An Ideal Begin

Imagined responses to all-too-real spam comments from my first year of blogging.


 

Given the impossibility of serving cake and ice cream online, what better way to celebrate a year of blogging than to blog about blogging itself?  As a stranger to the blogosphere just 12 months ago, my biggest learning this past year has been about spam ‘comments’: commercial sites aiming to leave their URL in as many places as possible, thereby enhancing their search-engine ratings.

This blog is moderated, which means that I review comments from new sources before they appear on the site.  Real comments have been a delight, letting me know that folks are reading the posts, answering questions raised in the post or a comment thereon, or taking the conversation in new and interesting directions.  Spam comments, on the other hand, range from the incoherent to the bizarre.  On this first anniversary, I’d like to invite all my readers on a short walk through spam-land. Spelling, grammar and syntax are all reproduced here as submitted in actual comments.   

Spam often appears to be the product of a random-word generator, and it seems safest to just take it at face value….

An stimulating topic is importance say.  I feel that you should scrawl another on this item, it strength hardly be a ban subordinate however often tribe are negative satisfactory to enunciate on such topics.  To the after.  Truly!

I don’t think I could have said it better myself: To the after.  Truly!  Although I sorta resent the implication that I scrawl my posts…

Way awesome, some legitimate details!  I recognize you generating this short article obtainable, the remainder of the web site can be substantial good quality.  Possess a exciting.

Glad you like the legitimate details.  It’s always been my plan to possess a exciting—thanks for the encouragement.

Within the subset that use sentences, some spammers offer helpful tips…

Window coverings or treatment plans will enhance any area.  While you add a window remedy you’ve got provided the area a character.  Picking out the ideal window shades or blinds will create the results you desire.

Thanks, I was wondering how to get the results I desire.

Ladies with busy lifestyle requires nutritional foods that provide essential nutrients which are a must to stay energetic, alert and to prevent illnesses.

Thanks, I’ll take a look at your fat-loss-genie site today.

A crisis is where you can’t point out: “let’s neglect the total thing”.

Umm, I know I have totally neglected laser hair removal, but I sure hope we’re not in crisis mode yet.

Some spammers think it’s all about them…

Today, while I was at work, my sister stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a forty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation.  My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views.  I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!

Well, I get that sometimes you just have to tell someone what’s going on in your life, whether it’s on topic or not.  Sorry about the iPad; sorry, too, about the measly number of views.

Some spammers go for the reverse psychology effect…

Unsuccessful idea

I am sorry, that I interfere, but you could not paint little bit more in detail.

I’m sorry that you interfere too, but I hadn’t planned to paint my topic in any more detail.  I’ll consider doing it for a more successful idea.

But most spammers try a positive message.  Some just go for the simple compliment, about which there is not much to be said in response…

This is your best post ever!  This is your best topic yet!

Some get a little more fulsome…

I genuinely enjoyed reading it, you might be a great author.

Aw, shucks.

I couldn’t have said it any better to be honest!  keep up the awesome work.  You are very talented & I only wish I could write as good as you do.

Thanks, I wish you could write as good as I do, too.

Some try to find a happy medium, balancing positive and negative comments, presumably for verisimilitude…

Big enthusiast of this page, several your blogposts have truly helped me out.  Awaiting improvements!

Not sure what improvements you had in mind, but this is pretty much as good as it’s going to get.

hey there and many thanks for your information – I have certainly picked up something new from right here.  I did however expertise several technical issues using this site, since I experienced to reload the site a lot of times previous to I could get it to load properly.  I had been wondering if your web host is OK?  

Last time I checked, my web host was OK, although I can’t discount your expertise of sluggishness.

But many spammers don’t try for any sort of moderation, and it’s the adoring tone that gives them away….well, that and the English.

Woah!  I’m really loving the template/theme of this blog.  It’s simple, yet effective.  A lot of times it’s hard to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appearance.  Superb Blog!

Sometimes I question the internet and what is posted?  Honestly the internet used to be like a different place, except that recently it seems to have become better and of the reason for it to be improving are blogs like this.

I spend hours on the net reading blogs, about tons of various subjects.  I have to first of all give praise to whoever created your theme and second of all to you for writing what i can only describe as an fabulous article.  I honestly believe there is a skill to writing articles that only very few posses and honestly you got it.  The combining of demonstrative and upper-class content is by all odds super rare with the astronomic amount of blogs on the cyberspace.

What would most people do without the brilliant tips you talk about on this blog?  Who else has the fortitude to deal with vital topics for the health of common visitors like me?

Well, my goodness.  Where to start?  I’m pleased to have contributed to an improvement in the internet with my perfectly balanced, demonstrative and upper-class content.  Sometimes I, too, wonder what most people would do without my brilliant tips.  The mind boggles—or is that bloggles?

Every once in a while, of course, a spammer is definitely on the right track…

How much is a link to your site?

Send me your PayPal ID and password, and we can talk.

And occasionally, it seems downright ungracious to even question the sincerity…

You have showed great perseverance behind the blog.  It’s been enriched since the beginning.  I love to share to with my friends.  Carry on.

My sis instructed me about your web site and the way great it is.  She’s right, I am actually impressed with the writing and slick design.  It appears to me you’re simply scratching the floor in terms of what you may accomplish, however you’re off to an ideal begin!

I, too, feel as if I’ve just scratched the floor, in this, my ideal begin.  Rest assured that I will carry on.  To the after.  Truly!

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14 Comments

Filed under Language and Communication

14 Responses to An Ideal Begin

  1. Some of these spam sentences read like Cryptic clues to the Guardian crosswords. I dreamt this line last night: Dress Coat Club. I asked John what it meant to him and he said, “Taco. The word Coat is an anagram of Dress (as in “to dress” the word Coat) and Club is a kind of intricate sandwich: hence Taco.”

    Continue to keep mind-numbing intrusions from your second blog year, pleeeese! Cryptic clues, and dreams, are more than enough. And, congrats! To the after, indeed!

    • Isabel Gibson

      Barbara – OMG. Cryptic crosswords at this (or any) hour of the morning! I struggle enough with the regular NY Times weekend crossword – the cryptic ones are beyond me, somewhere in the after. truly!

  2. Danielle

    I’m just happy none of my responses made it in this article.
    Congrads Bel! Just kidding! Congrats Bel!

    Danielle

    • Isabel Gibson

      Danielle – Ha! I hadn’t thought of that. What a wasted opportunity. If only there were someone I didn’t like who was commenting… Unfortunately (?), all the real comments are from great folks. Keep ’em coning, er coming.

  3. Dave

    Interesting! Let me try to add to the above.
    Your thoughts and ideas are expressed so eloquently. We are enriched by your wisdom and wealth of experience. As readers we are truly blessed.
    Keep the creative ouput flowing our way.
    Happy New Year!

    • Isabel Gibson

      Dave – OK, two can play at this. The insight of my readers is beyond compare. Where would I be without their trenchant input?

  4. Have you seen Av Fab? Here are Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders reading:
    Their interview scripts sound like your wacky posting bots…

    http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/01/i-am-a-woman-not-a-test-mouse.html

  5. Hmmm, Barbara’s first thought was the Guardian Crosswords (and John is clearly no slouch with his snappy solution to the clue Dress Coat Club) whereas I immediately defaulted to Buzz Lightyear and his famous quote “To infinity, and beyond!” Guess that proves that your blog appeals to a wide range of readers. Congratulations on your first year Isabel. Keep up the trenchant output!

    • Isabel Gibson

      Susan – Darn! Now I’m going to have to look up ‘trenchant’…. And I agree – the “To the after! Truly!” reminded me of Buzz Lightyear, too.

  6. Vince

    Hmm. What does it say about me that I pictured the two of us people-watching from a terrace brunch on some town square as I read this one?
    Congrats on your first year blogging, and the many to follow.

    • Isabel Gibson

      Vince – Hmm. I’m not qualified to comment – not that that has ever stopped me before! Thanks for the anniversary greetings – To the after! Truly!