What’s Next?

It’s a wonderful life, isn’t it? There are so many folks out there who are anxious to help me. My email spam folder is full of warm, generous, completely disinterested offers from people who don’t even know me. Where the interest come in, I guess, is the variety in tone and subject matter.

Diabetes Fix
Diabetes Destroyer

I don’t have diabetes (yet?), although it’s always possible someone knows something I don’t, what with my blood test results being available through that online app. What’s next?

Toenail Fungus Fix

I hasten to clarify that I don’t need this fix either, or the (surprisingly absent) Toenail-fungus Terminator (from the folks who brought you the Diabetes Destroyer). Mind you, the older I get the harder it is to check my toenails, so maybe the spammers are just like every baseball manager: playing the odds. “Yup, she’s in the 7th inning. Maybe the 8th. Add her to the toenail-fungus mailing list.”

And while they’re at it, they obviously think it’s worthwhile to go for the broader, more comprehensive sale.


You know, I might be tempted by a more specific offer: Anti-sagging, perhaps, or Anti-misplacing-eyeglasses. (And is there no Eyeglass-misplacement Eliminator? Say it isn’t so.) But look! Here’s one that gets into specifics.

New Brain Factory

Now, I did not know I had an old brain-factory (an old-brain factory?). I’m pretty sure there isn’t such a thing, old or new, however hyphenated. What’s next?

Fungus Free

Although I don’t watch cute-cat videos online, I can understand their appeal, and I have to say that fungus seems like an odd cyberspatial preoccupation. (Maybe all preoccupations seem odd if we don’t share them?) And this is one message where punctuation is crucial. Fungus: Free, for example, would be an entirely different matter for those of us who enjoy ‘shrooms with our omelettes.

What’s next?

Flat Belly Fix

Well, like the other Bad Things — diabetes, toenail fungus — I do not need to attend to a dreaded flat belly, but if I did I would not waste my time on a mere Fix. No, I’d hold out for the Flat-belly Firebrand, sure to be on offer next week. What’s next?

National Debt Relief

Goodness. I guess my Senate bid got me tagged as a political powerhouse, able to influence public policy. Maybe that explains that weird voice-mail from a B. Morneau:

Help me, Isabel. You’re my only hope.

I’ll set this one aside for possible later action. After all, I do feel a certain civic obligation. What’s next?

Cannabis Gummies

You know, I feel for the cannabis companies, unfairly accused of marketing to children. Now what made me think of that? Anyway, I’m not a gummies fan, so out it goes.

And that’s it. Except for that one pending on national debt relief, my spam folder is empty. I don’t expect it to stay that way.

What’s next? I dunno exactly, but I bet it will be more of this . . .

Fun is at your fingertips: lid from jar of olive



This entry was posted in Language and Communication, Laughing Frequently, Wired and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to What’s Next?

  1. Barbara Carlson says:

    “Yup, she’s in the 7th inning. Maybe the 8th. Add her to the toenail-fungus mailing list.”

    I think it’s why I was targeted to be called about the Modem update requirement, “She’s old, won’t know a thing about computers, won’t notice when we jack up (after this call) her usage GB by 10X and make her go over the limit and pay $4/GB after that. Ha!”

    Nor was I supposed to notice that now, after the installation, my usage is back down to where is was before the Modem call. o well

    But I did get Bell (yes, BELL!) to refund me $150 for all the trouble getting it installed. My young IT guy will be very impressed as his reaction to my stated intention to get this was — for him — quite animated as he shook he head from side to side, his mouth in a smirk.

    • Isabel Gibson says:

      Barbara – It’s easy to feel more (and differentially) picked on as I get older: the age itself seems sufficient explanation. My guess is that, while it might sometimes be true, there are just scammers and hard-sellers everywhere. Good for you for getting some recompense. That persistence must come with age, eh? 🙂

  2. It’s funny what the bots think you want until it’s nasty or comes in an avalanche from Russia and nearby locations. My latest server has better filters than the previous one so the long nights of cleaning up hundreds of offers for fake Gucci handbags or sneakers from India are no more. The ones that really astonished me were the pharmaceuticals. You could stock a drugstore with them if you had a mind to and probably some people do, after a fashion. And how did I make those spam lists? And how many millions of others got the message who would be tempted? The work of policing that sort of advertising boggles the imagination.

    • Isabel Gibson says:

      Laurna – Oh yes, regulating the internet would be a full-time occupation and then some. I can’t imagine buying anything from such a source — especially a pharmaceutical — but some (many? enough, surely) must do it or they wouldn’t advertise this way.

  3. Hmmmm…I think you have too much time on your hands. My spam folder gets emptied without a look. Nevertheless, I had a good laugh, which is always worth the time.

    • Isabel Gibson says:

      Judith – Usually, I empty it after a quick look for non-spam. But there was a run of silliness that I couldn’t resist.

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