It’s a wonderful life, isn’t it? There are so many folks out there who are anxious to help me. My email spam folder is full of warm, generous, completely disinterested offers from people who don’t even know me. Where the interest come in, I guess, is the variety in tone and subject matter.
I don’t have diabetes (yet?), although it’s always possible someone knows something I don’t, what with my blood test results being available through that online app. What’s next?
Toenail Fungus Fix
I hasten to clarify that I don’t need this fix either, or the (surprisingly absent) Toenail-fungus Terminator (from the folks who brought you the Diabetes Destroyer). Mind you, the older I get the harder it is to check my toenails, so maybe the spammers are just like every baseball manager: playing the odds. “Yup, she’s in the 7th inning. Maybe the 8th. Add her to the toenail-fungus mailing list.”
And while they’re at it, they obviously think it’s worthwhile to go for the broader, more comprehensive sale.
You know, I might be tempted by a more specific offer: Anti-sagging, perhaps, or Anti-misplacing-eyeglasses. (And is there no Eyeglass-misplacement Eliminator? Say it isn’t so.) But look! Here’s one that gets into specifics.
New Brain Factory
Now, I did not know I had an old brain-factory (an old-brain factory?). I’m pretty sure there isn’t such a thing, old or new, however hyphenated. What’s next?
Although I don’t watch cute-cat videos online, I can understand their appeal, and I have to say that fungus seems like an odd cyberspatial preoccupation. (Maybe all preoccupations seem odd if we don’t share them?) And this is one message where punctuation is crucial. Fungus: Free, for example, would be an entirely different matter for those of us who enjoy ‘shrooms with our omelettes.
Flat Belly Fix
Well, like the other Bad Things — diabetes, toenail fungus — I do not need to attend to a dreaded flat belly, but if I did I would not waste my time on a mere Fix. No, I’d hold out for the Flat-belly Firebrand, sure to be on offer next week. What’s next?
National Debt Relief
I’ll set this one aside for possible later action. After all, I do feel a certain civic obligation. What’s next?
You know, I feel for the cannabis companies, unfairly accused of marketing to children. Now what made me think of that? Anyway, I’m not a gummies fan, so out it goes.
And that’s it. Except for that one pending on national debt relief, my spam folder is empty. I don’t expect it to stay that way.
What’s next? I dunno exactly, but I bet it will be more of this . . .